Ok, get yer morning dump out of the way and grab some coffee.... more jokes:
A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with
his teacher.
Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, "I
was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher.
I'm proud of you son.
You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long?
I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today."
His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow.
My ass is still sore."
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A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver.
She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex
before she dies.
The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't
have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver
says No problem, he is not married.
The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in
the ass.
The bus driver agrees again.
Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care
of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a
confession to make.
I am married and have three children".
The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I
am on my way to a costume party".
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A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm
by a bee.
She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor.
She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor?."
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor,
what can I help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee."
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
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A woman starts dating a doctor.
Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a
priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it
was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not
going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest.
"What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor.
"It's a miracle!
Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell
his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you.
I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother.
The archbishop is your father."
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Late one evening, a man of the gay persuasion was taking a shortcut home
through a deserted part of the park.
He came upon a wino on a park bench sleeping off the days binge. Since he
was pretty horny, and there was no one else around, he 'had his way with the
man'.
Feeling bad about what he had done, he took a $5 bill and placed it into the
wino's clenched fist.
In the morning, when the wino woke up, he noticed the money, and
immediately went to the liquor store, where he told the clerk: "Give me $5
worth of the cheapest stuff you have."
He then spent the rest of the day drinking his purchase.
That night, the same gay guy was coming through the park, and came upon the
wino again. Next morning, .... $5
The wino again went to the liquor store with the command: "Give me $5 worth
of the cheapest stuff you have."
He then spent the rest of the day drinking his purchase.
That night, the gay guy was accompanied by 3 of his friends.
The next morning .... $20.
As the wino came into the liquor store, the clerk cut him off.
"I know, I know, you want $5 of the cheapest stuff I have."
Taking out the $20, the wino replied, "No, give me something a little
better.
That cheap stuff is tearing up my asshole!"
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Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Norway when the
male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five
years ago.
Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says
to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow
holes.
That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing
innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.
Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most
of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or
in lifeboats.
Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're
going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I
agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
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Pierre, the French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out
for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine.
It's a beautiful day and love is in the air so Marie leans over to Pierre
and says: "Pierre, kiss me!".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and passionately splashes it on
Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
red meat , I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.
So he says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts
pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre, what are you doing?!"
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have
white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it
all over.
He grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams: "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING!!!"
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go
down, I go down in flames!"
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The Pope flew into New York City for a Catholic convention.
He was running very late and decided to take a cab.
He asked the cab driver if he could drive him from the airport across town
in 15 minutes.
The cab driver, having recognized the Pope, quickly agreed.
However, 2 miles into the trip the Pope noticed that the cab driver was
driving very very slowly.
The driver couldn't oncentrate on driving because he was too excited about
the Pope riding in his cab.
Finally, getting very anxious and not wanting to be tardy for his
convention, the Pope asked the driver if he could drive.
The driver pulled over and switched seats with the Pope.
The Pope began driving over 100 mph and weaving around slow traffic to help
him gain some time.
It wasn't long before a police officer noticed and pulled the cab over. As
the officer walked up next to the vehicle, he immediately noticed the Pope
and quickly retreated to his squad car.
The officer radioed to his captain, "Sir, I have a situation here.
I think that I have pulled over someone very very important."
"Is it the NY Mayor?" says the chief.
"No, I think this man is more important," answers the officer.
"More important than the Mayor? Who did you pull over, the President?"
exclaimed the chief.
The officer thought for a second and then answered "No, I think that
this man is even more important than the President."
"Who in the whole world can be more important than the President?" says the
chief.
"Well, sir, I don't know who he is, but the Pope is his chauffeur."
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing
what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl
stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and
I charge $20 for sex."
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out
the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,
and the fare back to town is $25."
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes again.
He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off.
The woman is about to go nuts.
She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass.
The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times
you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell
kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am.
I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange.
What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to
put a $100 bill on his willie.
The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, " I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right
now".
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job.
But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a
$100 bill on his willie.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says
that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tatoo if he would
just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons:
"First, I like to play with my money.
Second, Ilike to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100,
she can stay home to do it."