I had to add 'em Jock
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I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about
Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay,
straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
D Barclay
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty
pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"
do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
Tim
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady
stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me
stronger'.
I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive
strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable
for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach
IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes
the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the
way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of
my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room
carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,
has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be
given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens
can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a
couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough
the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but
why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars.
T Barnham, London
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I had an idea for a script once. It's basically Jaws except when the guys in the boat are going after Jaws, they look around and there's an even bigger Jaws. The guys have to team up with Jaws to get Bigger Jaws.... I call it... Big Jaws!!!